


Man of Progression

by Weallfadeaway



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - No Troubles (Haven), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Cutting, Friends to Enemies to Lovers, M/M, Not Canon Compliant, Rekindled Friendship, Self-Harm, Stupid Boys
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-17 23:28:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28982622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Weallfadeaway/pseuds/Weallfadeaway
Summary: Nathan was hardly ever surprised when it came to Duke, but nothing could have prepared him for this.WARNING: Mentions of Self-Harm.Loosely inspired by the lyrics to "Progression" from Fredalba, Eric Balfour's band."I wanna be a man of progressionA man with no deception in the worldI wanna lose that man of aggressionThat man of depression hiding in me"
Relationships: Duke Crocker/Nathan Wuornos
Comments: 4
Kudos: 5





	1. Chapter 1

Nathan was hardly ever surprised when it came to Duke. It was their senior year now, and they'd known each other practically their whole lives. They had been through a lot together and that was putting it mildly.

Shortly after they met when they were five, they were playing in Nathan's yard when they saw a cat fall out of a tree. Duke started crying, and he was going to run up to check on it, but the cat had already got up and ran off. It was completely fine, but Duke still cried for the next half hour, worrying about it. Nathan wanted to tease him but knew better, because he figured that Duke would eventually see him cry over some pretty dumb things too.

When they were nine, a girl in their class had been bullying Duke for his secondhand items and ratty clothing, and he had just had enough. He didn't hit girls, so the next best thing he could think of was pulling her hair. Well, he had ended up pulling the girl's hair so hard that a chunk of it came back balled up in Duke's fist afterward, and she ran off, screaming. Nathan could never forget the look of horror on Duke's face at what he'd done; he felt absolutely horrible. The girl had practically _tortured_ him for months and months, yet he felt so bad that he gave her the chocolate milk from his lunch tray every day for a whole month after that.

A year later, another kid had been picking on Nathan. Duke had stepped in and punched the boy for it, and knocked him out cold. Nathan had gotten upset, saying he could have handled it himself, that Duke didn't need him to bail him out all the time. Duke just shrugged and said, "Well, you're my best friend, Nate. Besides, you would have never had the balls." And, deep down, Nathan knew he was right.

When they were twelve, they were at a party. They were playing truth or dare and Duke had dared the girl Nathan had secretly had a crush on for months to kiss him. All so that Nathan could get his first kiss from the person he really wanted to, not some one else he'd asked just because he was desperate. Which Duke had always assumed would be him.

A few years later, they were sixteen, sophomores. They hadn't spoken in three years, but Nathan was there as the whole school saw Duke pour superglue all over the trig teacher's car seat. It had taken them three hours to finally get her unstuck, and Duke watched the whole time, with a smile of smug satisfaction. Nathan thought it was cruel yet somewhat justified, having figured it was because the teacher was pretty mean to Duke. One day, in front of the whole class, she had told Duke that he shouldn't have been allowed there because it was taking him so long to get the material. She said she would transfer him to the 'slow' class where he belonged if he didn't improve. Like trigonometry wasn't actually _hard_ or anything. Nathan had wanted to complain to the principal about her, but knew he shouldn't. It's not like they were friends anymore, so he didn't want to overstep any boundaries.

Through all that, he thought he had seen it all. But _nothing_ could have prepared him for this.

It was after gym class and the rest of the boys were still in the showers. Nathan had just finished and was heading toward his locker to change, when he saw Duke sitting on the bench in front of his own. His boxers were sitting more like briefs on him, fabric riding high after being pushed up by the wood of the seat underneath him, and... there they were. Small but thick, most likely done with a knife instead of a razor blade. Precise, uniform cuts on the inside of his thigh, clearly self-inflicted. It was unmistakable.

Duke saw his facial expression change, and followed where Nathan's eyes were fixated, instantly realizing what he had seen. He didn't look so much shocked as... angry. One might have said disappointed, even. Duke couldn't help the feeling of shame that overcame him as he tugged the cotton down to cover them.

"What the hell...!?" Nathan started, but Duke raised his hand to stop him.

"Don't, Nate. Okay?" he said in a strained whisper, "Just... don't. _Please_ , don't act like you care now."

"I _do_ care! And we _are_ talking about this!"

"No, you don't... and, no, we're _not!_ Just ignore it. You're good at that, aren't you?" Duke replied, as he shot up from the bench and threw his jeans on quickly, grabbing everything else before rushing out the door.

Nathan stared blankly after him and stood there, not sure if he even _could_ move right now. He wanted to chase after him, but his brain was speeding on overdrive and just the simplicity of _walking_ seemed to be too challenging a task at the moment.

He knew that he and Duke had drifted apart a little bit before high school started, but... had things really changed _that_ much? Had things gotten _that_ bad?

Last he knew, Duke was staying with his mom and his brother, Wade, had just moved out and went to Massachusetts. He had moved in with a few friends and started taking courses at a small community college. Nathan knew that Duke's mom would disappear occasionally, but she had always came back before, so he assumed she always would. However, for all the time that Duke was alone, it seemed like he _wanted_ to be. He had seemed that he _liked_ taking care of himself and not having anyone to answer to. Then again, what thirteen year old _really_ wants to fend for themselves?

Things were definitely not _good_ , but they weren't horrible, right? Then again... what if Duke _hadn't_ wanted to be alone? What if he _wasn't_ as strong as Nathan had thought he was? Had Nathan just been too engulfed in his own problems that he hadn't even noticed? Or did he really just not care as much as he thought he had?

The sound of some classmates coming out of the showers jolted Nathan back to reality. He dressed and left quickly, on the search for Duke. He knew he _should_ be going to class right now, but this definitely took precedence over any of that right now.

Luckily, it didn't take too long and Nathan found him sitting underneath the bleachers on the far end of the football field. When he walked up, he saw Duke wipe at his face and heard the unmistakable sniffles that indicated he had just been crying. And when he turned around to look at him, Nathan saw his eyes red, swollen. It broke his heart; he almost started crying along with him.

Nathan was almost in disbelief. I mean, this was Duke Crocker! The coolest guy in class. He didn't cry. He didn't cut himself. He was the strongest person he knew.

Nathan sat beside him, and stayed silent, anticipating Duke to push him away, yell at him, hit him... something, _anything_. But he didn't. He just sat there, and pulled a cigarette out of his pocket, lighting it and taking a long drag. They sat in silence as he smoked, his hands shaking and lip quivering everytime he exhaled a big cloud of smoke.

"What do you want, Nathan?" he asked, after he stomped the butt out on the ground, finally calm enough that he knew his voice wouldn't break and make some embarrassing squeaking noise when he asked it.

"Just to talk."

"Well, you haven't wanted to talk to me in four... no, sorry, make that over _five_ years now. So... what do you suddenly need to say?"

Nathan rose to his feet, and held his hand out for Duke to help him up, but he didn't take it. Not that he'd expected him to. He just put his hand down and said, "Come on, let's get out of here. We'll talk on the way back to your place."

"Oh, yeah?" Duke asked, as he stood to his feet, "Sounds like a good plan, except... where might that be, Nate? Huh? You gonna go all Jimmy Carter and _build_ me one?"

Nathan wasn't sure he had heard him right. Had Duke just said that he was... homeless? For how long? When had this happened? He stumbled over his words, shocked at the new information, "God damn, man... Fuck... Duke, I..."

"Don't! Don't you _dare_ tell me your sorry, man, or I will fucking knock your teeth out. I don't need your god damn pity, Nathan. Because if you really cared, you would still be my friend or you would have, at least, noticed."

The sad part was that he couldn't even argue with him. He _had_ been a shitty friend to Duke, before everything had fallen apart. What their friendship ended over... Duke couldn't even remember now, so he knew it had to be something trivial. He didn't understand why either of them were still holding such a grudge, but Nathan knew the reason. The _real_ reason.

Basically, this was all because Nathan was a spineless bastard. It was because he was tired of hearing his father complain about their friendship, telling him that the Police Chief's son couldn't be seen with the likes of him. That he was dirt, he was scum. He knew he could never start believing any of it, but he had never had the strength to stand up to the Chief. So much so, in fact, that Nathan had dreamt of becoming a doctor or maybe a lawyer one day, but somehow he had let his father talk him out of it. He wouldn't be going to one of the colleges he'd been accepted to; he would stay in Haven and become a cop. Hell, he'd even joined the police academy already.

But the most important reason for this was because both boys had been too stupid to realize that he was jealous of Duke, but Nathan now finally understood that. He had always admired him, because, despite of everything that had been trying to extinguish his flame, Duke had a strength shining through that he himself couldn't even see... but Nathan had. And, sure, he hadn't had a nice home or a loving family, but Duke was so smart without even realizing it. He could be shown how to do something, like cook a meal or repair a bike, which would take Nathan at least _ten_ tries to get right, if at all, but Duke would master it perfectly on the first try. Duke always seemed to do everything with ease. Nathan sometimes wondered if this was because he secretly had an eidetic memory, or because Duke's ego was just too damn big to look foolish by doing it wrong.

Also, Duke had an amazing charm about him. He had a great personality that warmed you to him instantly. Nathan had noticed the way the girls in their class looked at Duke. Hell, he'd even caught some of the guys staring. They all practically drooled over him. Not to mention, little accomplishments like the fact that he had gotten kissed before Nathan, touched a boob before Nathan, he had even claimed to have gotten a hand job before Nathan. It was foolish, but he began resenting Duke for those things. Probably another result of his father's high expectations of Nathan, because he was supposed to be a 'man' and he wasn't living up.

But now, Nathan realized just how stupid those reasons were, how obviously Duke had needed him, needed _anyone_ , to reach out to for some help. If only he had noticed. If only he had cared more about their friendship than what his father thought. God, why did he have to be such an idiot sometimes?

"You know what? You're right, Duke. I should have noticed... I _really_ should have. I'm sorry. But I'm here now; I notice now. Can't that, at least, count for something?" Nathan asked, sheepishly.

"No, Nate, it can't. Because, it's just... it's too little, too late." he replied, before trying to walk away.

Nathan wasn't having it though. He grabbed Duke's shoulder and tried to spin him back to face him, but he was met with a fist to his nose instead. Duke honestly hadn't even realized he'd done it before he heard the loud _thwack_ and the blood began pouring. When Nathan's hand went up to check it, he heard a strange crackling sound and he screamed out in pain. Yep, that was definitely broken.

"Damn it, Nathan! I didn't mean to, I..." Duke started, but his tone softened. realizing the damage he'd caused. He grabbed Nathan by the bicep, and slowly lead him toward the gate that lead to the parking lot. "Come on. Where's your keys?"

Nathan just stared at him for a second, warily, but decided he couldn't go to class now, especially not covered in blood. He pulled his keys from his front pocket and handed them to Duke. He groaned in pain, pinching the bone just above where it had broken and leaned his head back.

"No!" Duke exclaimed, jolting Nathan slightly, "Sorry, it's just... you're supposed to tilt your head forward or all that blood is just going to end up sliding down your throat, and I don't want to be cleaning up puke today too. Now, come on. Chief isn't home, is he?"

"Is he ever?" Nathan scoffed, a hint of sadness hanging from his words.

Duke noticed, and had wanted to say something along the lines of the obvious 'your dad is a prick', but decided not to start another argument. He _was_ a prick though. Obviously because he had drove the wedge in between the two of them, but also because he just couldn't believe how the Chief had treated Nathan, even when they were really young. He was always held Nathan to a higher standard than the other kids, and he never let him just _be_ one.

Duke then saw that he and Nathan had more in common than he realized, because they both got thrown into adulthood at way too early an age. When Nathan's mom died, he was stuck with the tasks of cleaning the house and making his own meals, with Duke's help, usually. I mean, Nathan was _seven_ , for christ's sake, and he was taking care of himself, because, _god knows_ , the Chief couldn't do it. It just wasn't right and Duke felt guilty never taking all of that into consideration before.

"Okay, not home is good this time. I don't want to have to deal with _two_ Wuornos' pissed off at me today."

They reached the Bronco and Duke opened the passenger's side door, gently helping Nathan in and closing it behind him, before heading to the driver's side.

Once he clumsily got his seatbelt on, Nathan replied, "I am, you know."

"What?"

"Pissed at you."

"For what? For that!?" Duke asked, "Jesus, Nate. It's just a broken nose. It'll be fine in a few weeks. You don't even have to go to the emergency room. I can set it for you."

"The hell you can! You think I want mine looking like yours?" he joked, earning a small laugh from Duke, before continuing, "And that's not what I'm mad about. I'm talking about..." Nathan trailed off, gesturing toward his leg.

Duke tried to play it off, "Whatever. It's my body, my decision. Besides, it's just a few little scars. Scars fade in time, and no one will even remember they were there."

Nathan grabbed Duke's hand away before he could put the key in the ignition, holding it tightly and earning that returned gaze into his eyes, as he replied, " _I_ will."

Duke felt a strange feeling in his gut at those words, but just shook it off as residual shame. He coughed awkwardly, as he shrugged Nathan's hand away and started the car. "So, if you're not going to let _me_ do it, what are we going to do about your nose then, huh? Because right now, it's pointing northwest when you face me. The Chief'll notice."

"Don't worry. I was joking; I'm going to let you do it. Now, let's head home, okay?"

Duke started the car, and replied, "Home. Can do."


	2. Chapter 2

When they got to Nathan's, Duke was leading him inside. Nathan's eyes had begun swelling and bruising some, and said that his vision was a little blurry, so Duke was being his eyes at the moment. He had started to take him to where he remembered the bathroom being, but Nathan stopped him.

"Oh, wait. I'm in my mom's old studio now." Nathan informed him. It was an art studio his mother would use for painting - acrylics, but mostly watercolor. Sometimes Nathan liked to go in there when he was young and color beside her. The room was pretty special to him, which is why Duke didn't understand why he'd ever want to change it.

"Really?" he asked.

"Well, the sink still worked so Chief had a toilet and a small shower installed, so I could have my own bathroom. It made the bedroom part smaller, but... I say it's totally worth it." he said.

"Whoa. So, what brought that on?" Duke asked.

"Well, last year, I thought the Chief was going to be out all night, like usual, so I brought Felicia back here after a date. Things went pretty well, needless to say, so she was showering up in the main bathroom afterwards. Well, the problem was, I hadn't noticed the Chief came home early, so he walked in on her while she was stepping out and grabbing a towel. Saw everything."

"Felicia Watson? No shit. Really?"

"Yeah. She screamed so loud, I thought she was going to break glass, man! And I thought Chief was going to kill me, for sure. Instead, when she left, he patted me on the shoulder and said 'Nice job, son, but next time, tell her to lock it up, okay?'. But, I don't know... I guess he figured it would be easier to just _give_ me my own bathroom, so that never happened again."

Duke was cracking up at the thought, "Man, I bet that was priceless! What I would have given anything to see both of their faces in that moment. Oh, and not the _only_ thing I would like to see on her either."

"Those were priceless too, trust me." Nathan joked, which earned him a giant smile from Duke.

"So then, what happened between you and Felicia after that? Hook up again?"

"Nah. She dumped me the next day. Thought my dad was a perv or something. We'd only been dating a few weeks though, so it wasn't that big of a deal."

"From what I hear, she's never 'dated' anyone longer than a month, anyway. She's a skank, Nathan. You could do better."

"Glad _somebody_ thinks so." he said, as he opened the door to his room and pointed Duke over toward the bathroom.

Duke led him in there and sat him down on the toilet seat lid. He told Nathan to take off his shirt so no more blood got on it, so he did and threw it in the hamper in the corner.

Duke looked around and grabbed a hand towel off of the shelf, handing it to Nathan before he explained, "Blow your nose in that. What comes out is going to be a lot thicker than what tissue can handle. And it's going to hurt like a son of a bitch, but it will be nicer than what _I'm_ going to do to you in a second. Trust me."

Nathan thought that last bit sounded a bit cryptic... or hot, depending on interpretation. But he shook it off and followed his instructions, and, holy _hell_ , Duke was right. Who knew clearing your sinuses could hurt so badly?

Duke rubbed his shoulder comfortingly, also using it for balance, as he kneeled down on the floor in front of him and took Nathan's head in his hands. He was studying his face - what had to be taken into consideration because of the swelling, trying to find the bone structure underneath. Nathan felt that awkward heat rise up in his stomach as every inch of him was scrutinized by Duke's stare.

Duke made his hands into the shape of a triangle, looking it over for a few seconds before he placed them tightly at the top of the nose. Meanwhile, he used his thumbs to line it up with Nathan's chin carefully, not wanting it to end up too crooked.

"Now, I need you to take in a deep, deep breath... and don't let it out until I tell you, okay?" Duke asked, and Nathan agreed, knowing that, for some reason, he still trusted Duke. His brought his palms together and tightened them around his nose, then yelled, "Now!".

He cracked the bones back in place and dragged his fingers down toward his chin. Nathan cried out in agony and began reeling like he would pass out from the pain. Duke held tight, his thumbs curled in front of both ears and cradling his head in his hands. He kept their eyes locked on eachother's and said, "Hey, focus on me, buddy. Take deep breaths, okay? You're all right... I know it hurts, but you're fine, 'kay? Just keep your focus right here."

After a few deep breaths, and a more confusingly comfortable stare than either would like to admit, Nathan gasped out, "I'm okay. I'm all right."

"And see? Still better looking than mine." Duke jested, with a smile.

He wasn't sure what to think of all of this between him and Nathan. Were they friends again? Or was this different now? Would Nathan kick him out the second he was finished helping him and act like this never happened? Or maybe would he let him hang out for awhile? He didn't want to get his expectations too high so quickly. Besides, this was most likely just because Nathan felt sorry for him anyway.

So, with jumbled thoughts and a sigh, he rolled back onto his heels and stood quickly, asking, "Do you have any Motrin? Ibuprofen? Anything like that? It'll help with the swelling."

Nathan replied, "There should be some in the bottom drawer of my nightstand."

Duke went and found the pills in a flash, but he saw something else at the bottom of the drawer that caught his eye. Other than the condoms... good boy, Nate.

He saw a picture of him and Nathan when they were nine years old. They thought that they would start a band one day and be rock stars when they grew up. They both were shirtless and had their hair slicked up in faux-hawks. Nathan had a scratched up old Fender in his hands he'd found at a yard sale. The lady running it had actually given it to Nathan when he tried to pay her, since he was the Chief's boy and all. Duke was next to him, holding up some drum sticks that he'd found in his garage one day and he had them crossed in an X above his head.. Nathan used to joke that they looked like some dog's old chew toys.

Nathan was actually good on the guitar now; he'd heard him play a few times across campus. But Duke had never learned how to play anything except the ukulele. It was an odd instrument, but hey, he was an odd guy! Not exactly something you see in too many rock bands, though.

He couldn't help but smile at the memory. That had been a good time in his life, but he silently wondered why Nathan had hung on to the picture. Had he been missing Duke? Duke wouldn't dare admit it, but he _definitely_ had been missing Nathan. He wasn't sure if he'd ever had a friend like him before. And he could undoubtedly say, he hadn't had a friend like him since. Duke really missed having someone like him, too. Someone to share things with, to look after, that looked after him, that actually _cared_.

"Did you find them?" Nathan asked, appearing in the doorway.

Duke quickly stuffed the picture back where he'd found it and he stood, shaking the bottle at him. "Right here."

He handed him two pills and a water bottle that was on the dresser. Nathan took them and said, "Thanks, you know... for all of this."

"No worries, buddy." he replied, "You'd do the same for anyone, right?"

"You know, twenty-four hours ago, I'm not sure I _would_ have helped you."

"But... you would now, though?" Duke asked, hopefully.

"Yeah, I might." Nathan replied, and Duke could _swear_ there was a blush to his cheeks.

"Well, that's progress." Duke smiled, as he sat down and then laid back on Nathan's bed, stretched out with his hands behind his head and his feet still on the floor. "You know, your dad is most likely still going to notice that your nose is broken. But I think he'll just be happy that he didn't have to spend the night in the E.R. with you."

"Oh, please... Chief?" he asked, exasperatedly. "He would probably just have Eleanor do it. Or make me go with an off-duty cop. I wouldn't _dare_ take time out of _his_ busy schedule."

Duke sat up and grabbed Nathan's wrist, tugging him down to sit next to him. He looked concerned, as he asked, "Has it really gotten that bad with you two?"

Nathan just looked away and that was an answer enough.

"Damn, and here I used to think you all were the perfect family."

"You're joking, right?"

"No! I mean, when your mom was still... you know." Duke trailed off, awkwardly, knowing how hard that was for Nathan to talk about once. Also, because they were holding hands now and he had just noticed. "When it was the three of you, I thought you all were the family that _everybody_ wanted to be like."

"Well, they were wrong. Maybe not then, but definitely now." Nathan sighed, suddenly remembering that all of this was nothing to complain about compared to what Duke had. "I guess no one has the perfect life, huh?"

"Guess not." Duke said, apparently noticing the change in Nathan's demeanor, "And before you ask, my mom officially left two years ago. I worked a few jobs in kitchens for rent, found some other ways to get extra cash for food, but I lost the house a few months later. Did better than I thought I would, honestly. After that, I thought maybe Jack or Chris would have let me crash on their couch, but... well, I guess you never know who your _real_ friends are until your homeless."

Nathan felt that pang of guilt in his heart swell up. If only he'd still been around, maybe he could have helped. They would have figured it out together. Nathan thought that the two of them could face the world at one point. And now to know that Duke hadn't even been able to bounce around and crash on people's couches... it was devastating. He deserved better than all of that.

"I wish you would have come to me." Nathan whispered, letting it slip before he realized he'd said it.

"Come on. We weren't friends; we weren't even talking then, Nate!" Duke replied, "And, besides, how would _that_ conversation go with the Chief?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right." Nathan answered, not ready to have that discussion.

He wasn't sure why he'd said he would have helped, but he knew he meant it. He was so confused. A few hours ago, he wouldn't have given a second thought to the name Duke Crocker, but now, it was forcing Nathan to have these strong feelings he wasn't sure he could define yet.

And he wasn't the only one with strong feelings, it seemed, as Nathan was suddenly very aware of their hands also. Duke's thumb began trailing lazy circles and figure eight patterns in the middle of his palm, sending a familiar heat through his gut.

But that couldn't be right! He couldn't be getting... from just holding hands? No, there was no way! And especially, not because of Duke. He wanted to yank his hand away and yell 'what the hell'. Yet, there was something there that was telling him not to pull away either.

"Why did we stop being friends, exactly?" Duke suddenly asked.

Nathan wasn't sure if he was ready to answer, "Honestly?"

"Well, yeah." Duke replied, rolling his eyes, "That's usually how confessions work."

"It's really dumb. I..." He took in a deep breath, bracing himself before continuing, "Honestly, it was because... I hated that you were better than me at everything. I hated being your sidekick. I hated that you were a jerk to everyone else, but they still thought that you were cooler than me; I was only cool by association. And, really, a lot of it was because of my old man and... I just couldn't take the bullshit anymore. It was too much!"

"So, basically, you were jealous of me, and... I was jealous of you?"

"That's the gist, yeah." Nathan replied, "For what it's worth, I'm really sorry, Duke. That it was something so stupid that could make everything end up like this. You were my best friend, and I..."

Duke held up his hand to interrupt, "Hey, stop... okay? I'm sorry too. And it's not like I did much to fix things either."

"How could you? You can't fix something when you don't know what the problem is. And there wasn't anything you could have done anyway. This was all because of my own insecurities."

"I don't know what you're so insecure about, Nate. You're funny, and smart. You're a kind-hearted, genuine, good guy. Not to mention, you are _much_ better looking than you realize. Seriously, you have no reason to be worried." Duke said, definitely noticing a blush on Nathan this time.

"Really? Well, no one since Felicia has thought so." Nathan said, and Duke looked shocked, "Yep, no one in a whole freakin' _year!_ I don't know what I'm going to do; I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes. But, let me guess... I bet you've never had this problem. You probably had sex yesterday. Am I right?"

"Actually, no. You're wrong."

"When, then? This morning?" Nathan joked.

"No. Sadly, I'm not as big of a pimp as you've imagined." Duke replied, "It's been a couple of months. The last time was with Blaine Whitley inside the abandoned lifeguard station. One of those can get like a sauna with the right amount of blankets and candles, let me tell ya. It was right after McNally's New Year's Eve beach bonfire bash thing."

Blaine? But Blaine was a... No, Nathan had to have been hearing that wrong. Did Blaine have a secret twin sister no one knew about? That had to be it! He had said 'Jane' and he just misheard him... right?

Or had Duke just confessed to him that he was gay?

Before he could ask, Duke answered for him. "Now, _that_ guy... _he_ could suck a cock, let me tell you. Better than any girl I've ever met. But I think that's what's better about fucking guys sometimes. They just know all those little tricks, you know? The things that girls don't know about that make us scream and our toes curl like it does for them."

"Curl? Really? I wouldn't know." Nathan replied, uneasily picturing it.

He wasn't sure why this was making him so uncomfortable. He wondered if Duke was doing this on purpose for some reason. Nathan was trying desperately, but now he just couldn't shake that mental image of him. Duke with his head thrown back, writhing around. Fingers gripping the sheets, chest heaving. Panting as he tugged on a handful of hair.

Duke's thumb still crawling lazily over his hand certainly wasn't helping. Then, the conversation... just sex, sex, _sex_. How could any eighteen year old male think about anything else?

Also, on a side note... _how_ had Nathan never noticed how beautiful Duke's smile was before?

"So, what..." Duke started, with a devious glint in his eye, "...you've _never_ thought about what it would be like to be with another guy? Or... were you just too scared to see what your dad would do if he caught you _then?_ "

"I mean, every guy wonders what it's like, right?"

"Surprisingly, no." Duke said, "But that's their loss. They don't know what they're missing."

He wasn't sure where it came from, but a surge of courage came over Nathan. He turned toward Duke, placed his hand on his knee and replied, "So, what am I missing out on then?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: Chapter contains depictions of self-harm or self-mutilation. The ways it is being talked about are not my personal views at all. I do not condone this behavior or any that will help you hurt yourself.  
> Thankyou and please leave a comment!  
> ~Fade

Duke wasn't sure if he'd heard him right, but Nathan's hand sliding up his leg was a pretty good sign of what he wanted. And he couldn't deny it either. His skin was on fire, heat was radiating from his nerve endings, his pulse was racing. He just couldn't believe it was happening.

This was Nathan! The kid he split his popsicles with. The kid he scraped up his knees with when they learned how to ride bikes together. The kid who accidentally tore Duke's arm out of the socket when they were practicing pro-wrestling moves in his backyard.

I mean, this _should_ be weird... right?

Yet, here he was, his hands back holding Nathan's face to the spot. There was a look in both of their eyes, a magnetism drawing both of them closer, like moths to a flame.

But Duke paused, lips so close that he could feel them brushing over Nathan's as he asked, "Are you sure?"

Nathan only nodded, slowly dragging skin on skin, before smashing his lips to his. Duke was shocked, but soon responded. He was trying to be wary of his nose as best as possible, not wanting to injure Nathan more. Not to mention, he didn't want to do _anything_ that might stop what was happening.

He had never imagined kissing Nate could be like this. Not just because he was good at what he did, but... god, just _everything_. Foreign feelings swelled up that he hadn't known in ages. Duke felt _warm_ again. He felt _whole_ again. And everything in his heart was telling him that this was _right_.

Yet, in his gut, he knew it couldn't be. After all...

This was Nathan! He was the child of a normal, middle-class family. He could do no wrong, the model citizen. He got good grades, hardly ever said swear words, and had probably never jaywalked in his life. That day was the first time Duke had _ever_ heard of him skipping class, and that was all _his_ fault anyway. In most people's eyes, Nathan was perfect.

Now, Duke... he was a homeless thief, because he'd been abandoned and basically had no other options. Most weekends, he would go to other towns and run some new scheme he'd come up with. He wasn't necessarily bad at what he did, either. Well, he couldn't say that. It was a hit and miss game, really. Sometimes, he would come back with close to a thousand dollars; he have enough to get a motel room and a few new items of clothing. Sometimes, he'd have just gotten a hot meal or two, and would find anywhere he could sleep that was warm. And anyone in this town would tell you, Duke Crocker was _far_ from perfect.

That's what was nagging him so badly. If Nathan had so many different options, why would he waste any of them on _him?_ Sure, Duke was better than him when it came to sex and relationships, but that didn't mean that Nathan wouldn't get rid of that shyness eventually and find someone he _actually_ wanted.

However, Nathan _seemed_ to know what he wanted. His fingernails were digging in, scratching down Duke's back, pulling him as close as he could manage. Duke's hand moved into Nathan's hair, as the other danced over the soft skin of his chest. Lips parted, tongues met, and hearts desperately tried to pry open for the other's.

But his thoughts worried him, they were eating away at him like a cancer. And as much as Duke didn't want to, he pulled away. Nathan tried to recapture the kiss again, but Duke placed his hand on his chest and scooted back, slowly.

"We can't do this, Nate." he said, "This isn't right. I..."

"Shut up."

Nathan grabbed his collar, yanked him forward and kissed him again, hungrily. But this time, Duke pushed him backward hard enough to gain some distance from him. Nathan looked shocked, angered, a little hurt even. Duke instantly wanted to grab him and kiss him, to make everything all right again, but he knew he shouldn't. He did some stupid things sometimes, but he knew better than that.

"No, listen... Nate, you don't really want to do this. You're just lonely, alright? Let me call some girls over. You get a deck of cards, we can play some strip poker and we'll forget this ever happened. Sounds like we both need it."

"Sounds like you don't know _what_ the hell I need, Duke." Nathan scoffed, "Look, my nose is fine now. Just go. Okay?"

"Nathan..."

"Goodbye, Duke."

Duke sighed in defeat as he rose up from the bed, and walked toward the bedroom door. His hand paused on the handle; he couldn't bring himself to turn it.

He turned back around, and said, "I'm sorry, Nathan. I just... I fucking missed you, okay? I missed being your _friend_. But I guess that's not what you were actually missing, and I was just an easy target, right?" Duke asked. He wasn't sure if he could handle hearing the answer though, so he continued, "Well, go fuck yourself, Wuornos. I think you're going to be doing a lot of that."

Nathan sat there for a minute and listened as he heard doors slam and Duke leave. He fell back on his bed with a groan, and tried to bury his head in his pillow, forgetting about his nose for a minute and smashing it into the fabric. He groaned louder, in physical pain this time instead of emotional, although he wasn't sure that either pain would be leaving any time soon.

How could he have screwed things up so badly? Duke's words as he left... he had no idea how badly they had hurt Nathan.

He _had_ missed Duke. So fucking much, he wasn't even sure how to breathe at times. The school nurse had called them 'panic attacks' in the past, but Nathan knew what it really was... it was guilt. Guilt eating away at his soul for being able to dismiss someone who was once so good to him, who had meant so much. And for such trivial reasons, no less. He felt like such a jerk, and anyone would agree that he should.

Then, to act in the way he had... that wasn't 'being a friend'. He didn't know _what_ that was. He'd never had those kind of feelings for Duke, for _any_ guy, before. So why had everything felt so differently when he was around him now?

When he looked at Duke, he didn't see the kid he was in little league with anymore. He didn't see the boy who showed him his first dirty magazine. He saw something completely different now. Now, he saw a 'muscles rippling, tan lines from working in the sun, dirt on his boots having' _man_. A man who's smile could outshine the sun, but who's eyes held a darkness in them that Nathan wished he knew how to fix.

But, there was the big question... did Duke actually _want_ fixing?

Duke had wandered around aimlessly for the rest of the day, feeling horrible about what he'd said. If he wanted Nathan back as a friend, _that_ certainly wasn't the way to do it. He was confused at what had happened. He couldn't say that he hadn't wanted it as badly as Nathan seemed to; he just knew the inevitable outcome. He hadn't meant for what he said to come out so cruelly. However, Duke had a hard time controlling that sharp tongue of his, with those words that liked to whip out and cut people. Especially someone who'd hurt him before... and who, he was sure, would hurt him again.

He wished things hadn't gotten so complicated. All he wanted was his friend again. That was it! But Duke had to go ruin it... like he did everything else.

He just _had_ to be cursed; it was the only explanation. Duke Crocker was _not_ meant to live a happy life. He was not meant to have friends. He was meant to be a pathetic shell of a person, who most people liked, but no one really knew or cared about. That no one would ever _really_ love.

Duke didn't know much about love. Hell, who did? But what he was feeling back there... that was the closest he'd ever come to it. Nathan would never love him, though. Not like that. Nathan was just a horny teenager trying to stick it in wherever he could before he took off for college as far as he knew. And with everything Duke had to deal with already... if he got his heart broken, there would be no way he could go on after that.

The sun was well past the horizon now. It was dark enough that he could sneak into the old lifeguard station without being noticed, relieved to find that no one had messed with his stuff again. He had been having a hard time keeping anyone out of there, and he still wasn't fully convinced if it was kids screwing with him, or those damn geese. Canadian honkers loved to roam that beach and they were some evil bastards. Probably the only things around stealing more than _he_ was. They'd take people's food, sunscreen, money... he even saw one take a woman's phone right out of her purse once.

He threw his bag down and lit a few candles, collapsing in the corner with a frustrated sigh. He looked over at the pictures he had taped up to the wall, but there was only one he was looking at. It was him and Nathan, when they were about seven. It was on a Fourth of July, their faces were still sticky from all the cotton candy they'd eaten at the parade, and they were setting up chairs, just a few feet away from where he currently was, to watch the fireworks display.

Duke remembered that day pretty well. His dad had been 'sick', also known as 'too drunk to function', so he had got to spend a normal holiday with a normal family for _once_ in his life. It was great! It had meant so much to him, and Nathan probably had no idea.

Duke also remembered something about that day that _wasn't_ so nice. It was the last holiday Nathan had with his mother before she died. After that, she had bounced back and forth from the hospital to home care. Duke hadn't understood it all then, but he was smart enough to put the pieces together a few months later once Nathan came to his house in hysterics.

That was the hardest day of Nathan's life, but it had been really hard on Duke too. Having to watch his friend cry until he passed out from exhaustion, until there was nothing left. Holding him and telling him that everything would be better when he had no idea. Trying to help him get himself back together after he'd fallen apart.

He was trying to push all those bad feelings away but, suddenly, Duke felt it. That darkness that crept over him as thoroughly as the tears he didn't know covered his face until then. He reached for it in the corner, a small shoe box that he had stored a few toiletries in - deodorant, aftershave, stuff like that. But those weren't what he needed. He was looking for a pocket knife his father had given to him when he was young.

It didn't feel right doing that in the same spot, since it had been discovered earlier that day, but it wasn't like there were too many places a guy could hide something like this. He ran his hands over the older ones, making sure none were getting infected, which luckily they weren't. So, he placed the blade gently against his skin and inhaled deeply, preparing. He cleared his mind as he exhaled, pressing down as hard as he could, swiping the knife clean and fast against him.

He wasn't sure _what_ made him do this. He'd heard all the lame stories. 'I want my outer pain to reflect what's on the inside' or, his personal favorite, 'My body should be as ugly as my soul'. But the only thing he could really say was that it helped him forget about whatever he was obsessing over and think about something else. Mostly he was thinking 'ouch', but it was _something_.

Honestly, he had no logical reason for any of it and he hated that he did it. He'd tried to stop before, but it was almost an addiction. A need that he sometimes couldn't deny.

He added a few more small cuts before he pulled his pants back up and made up his bed. He laid his head down and Duke knew his pillow would be damp with tears all night, that was for sure.

The next day at school, when Duke was coming out of the locker room, he felt a hand grab onto his shoulder and push him in the janitor's closet the next door over. There wasn't really any light in the room, but Duke knew that it was Nathan. His profile, the sound of his breathing, and that smell that was purely Nate... Duke knew them all by heart.

"What do you want?" Duke asked, irritated.

"I saw them." Nathan replied, "The new cuts? What, you thought I wouldn't notice?"

"So what?"

"You need to stop this, Duke. Please."

"And what the fuck is it to you?"

"When _I'm_ the reason, I think they have _everything_ to do with me."

"Don't flatter yourself." Duke replied, "And, just so you know, my life was already pretty screwed up before you tried to hump your way back into it."

"Then why did you do _that?_ Why can't you tell me, huh?" Nathan asked, grabbing his hand, "Just... talk to me. _Please_."

Duke shook his hand off, "Look, I can't, okay? I can't talk to you because, as much as you want to, you will _never_ understand. Hell, _I_ don't even understand it." he sighed, noticeably trembling at the words that he had to say next, "And I fucking _hate_ to admit it... but things with me are a _lot_ worse than you think, Nathan. And I could _not_ handle opening up and trusting someone when I know they're just going to hurt me again. Least of all, you."

"I don't _want_ to hurt you, Duke. I just _want_ to make things right."

"I'm sorry, Nate, but I don't think there is _anything_ that is going to make it all right again between the two of us. But _you_ need to remember... _you're_ the one who told me to leave. I'm just doing what you told me to."

It was still dark, but Nathan didn't need to see to notice that sound. He had heard that change in his tone plenty of times before. Duke had started crying and was trying to hide it from him. Nathan felt devastated, knowing that he caused it and there was nothing he could do.

"Duke..."

He went to touch his arm, but Duke shoved it down, and said, "No, Nate. Just go, alright? You'll be late for class."

Nathan muttered something that sounded distinctly like 'asshole' before exiting the closet, only to be met with the face of Mr. Brown, the science teacher. Early fifties, balding, Napoleon complex; he was the one who's bad side you _really_ didn't want to be on. And he had been looking for _any_ reason to get Nathan in trouble since he'd started in that school. He was pretty sure it was because the Chief had picked on Brown back when _they_ were in high school and the guy was trying to act out some sad revenge plot by torturing Nathan now.

"Mr. Wuornos, running a little late. That's unlike you. And what did you need out of the janitorial closet this time? Someone graffiti your locker again?"

"N-no, sir, I was just..."

"He was with me." Duke said, as he exited the closet. The teacher looked back and forth between them suspiciously, hoping Duke would answer those silent questions he had as he continued to speak, "I was trying to bribe him into doing my homework for me. Hundred bucks a week, but he wouldn't. He refused, okay? He didn't do anything wrong."

"Is this true, Nathan?"

"Oh please, Nate wouldn't cheat. Do you even have to ask?"

Everyone knew that Nathan wouldn't cheat, but Duke also knew he wouldn't _lie_ either. Which is why he had to make sure Nathan wouldn't say anything and blow his cover story.

"C'mon, Mr. Brown. What else could it have been? Do you think me and Nathan were in there _making out_ or something? I mean, _you're_ the teacher here; use your head!"

"Alright, Mr. Crocker, your point has been made. Now, if you will kindly follow me to the principal's office... I'm sure _you_ know the way."

The teacher sneered up at Duke with a hatred that a teacher should never look at his student with. Nathan wondered how the guy still had his job, as he watched Mr. Brown grab Duke's arm roughly and yank him toward the office.

Why had Duke done that? If he was _really_ so upset with Nathan, if he wanted nothing to do with him anymore, like he said... then why didn't he just let _him_ get into trouble? None of it made any sense!

But, then again, when it came to Duke Crocker, when had anything _ever_ made sense?


End file.
